Right Desire

Sometimes I wonder how and why I got to the place where I am. And when I think about the place that I think I would like to be, I wonder how I can reconcile that with where I am actually going.

Often I consider what my true personal priority in life overall is. When I ask that question lately, out comes the desire to devote myself completely to spiritual enlightenment. When I ask myself what would truly bring peace and happiness to my life, dedication to following the Buddha's path seems to be the answer.

And I have done the best I can to follow the path now, considering my circumstances. But I can't just get up and leave my current life to go live in a monastery, even though the desire to do that strikes me often. And besides, I think I have more work to do and worldly life to live before I finally did that. I just wonder how in the future, I can reconcile that desire to become a monastic with the fact that I am married and have kids. I don't plan to get divorced. And I've never really tossed the idea around with my husband about me becoming a Buddhist nun someday - he would think I'm nuts.

I can't really say how the future will be. Maybe my husband and I will be evolved enough that he would be able to let me go. Or one of us will die. Or I won't feel the need to become a monastic anymore. Who knows?

I know that now, my kids need me. Leaving to become a nun would make no sense. When they are grown and on their own though, who knows?

I think it is pretty funny that ever since I was a little girl, I considered becoming a nun (back then it was to become a Catholic nun), but I always pushed that idea aside in favor of romance and sex and having children and living a domestic life. As I get older, the allure of such things is wearing out. I've done all that now. What's next?