This is What I Signed Up For

This is what I signed up for. I signed up for the expected and the unexpected. I signed up for the good, the bad and the ugly. I signed up for being with another person through any weather and through change.

Do people fully understand their marriage vows when they make them? I think many do not.

I married my husband because he is fun, loving, caring, sensitive, allows me to be me, does not hold grudges, accepts constructive criticism, learns from his mistakes, grows and changes as a result of my love. That's what I signed up for.

However, I also signed up for the unexpected. I signed up for decades of my husband's old baggage. How was I to know?

I am not a saint or a martyr. I am not a glutton for punishment. And of course I have done plenty of reflection about making the choice to move on. I don't believe in holding on to marriage vows to the effect of completely destroying my own self-worth and growth. I believe in free will and the ability to change my mind when it is truly necessary. I don't see changing my mind as a character defect.

But at the same time I have a warrior spirit and just can't seem to back away from a challenge. This relationship is a great opportunity to find out where my limits truly are and to expand them. Whenever I think I don't have enough love, I find it. Whenever I think I don't have enough patience, I find it. Whenever I think I can't take it anymore, I can. Whenever I think I can't be true to myself within this form, I find ways. Wisdom, compassion and equanimity are growing in me. Selfishness is being destroyed in me. I am being molded by the fire.

Some people stay in difficult relationships because they are co-dependent. I stay in this relationship because I am growing as a result. I will stay until I find that I can no longer grow within it. The key is daily meditation practice. I could not do this without the Triple Gem.

Since the retreat, I have started sitting in the mornings in addition to my evening sit. It is a very difficult time of the day for me to meditate. My warrior spirit brings me to the cushion. I am making a sincere effort to test the Buddhist teachings for myself. I can't say what the result has been so far of adding that morning meditation. I think I just need to keep at it and see what happens.

One thing I do know for certain is that growth absolutely does not happen without a certain amount of pain. Because I have tasted the sweetness of purity of mind and the freedom it brings, I have faith in this practice and am willing to go through the fire. I have tasted the rewards and I want more. More of the real thing: real freedom, real happiness that is accessible in any condition. Ajahn Chandako told us at the retreat that it is ok to be attached to the true happiness that comes from meditation. That is the whole point of the practice!

Just as the destination of a glowing fire
struck with a [blacksmith's] iron hammer,
gradually growing calm,
is not known:
Even so, there's no destination to describe
for those who are rightly released
— having crossed over the flood
of sensuality's bond —
for those who have attained
unwavering bliss.
— Dabba Sutta, Udana VIII.10