Equanimity

I guess I haven't had much to say lately. I've been pretty busy at work, but usually if I have something to write about I can find the time. Life is just moving right along. There are minor bumps here and there, but I have peace in my life as a general rule.

I do notice that my general anxiety about life has decreased incredibly over the last few years. I owe this entirely to mindfulness practice.

In high school and college, I would wake up every morning with a sense of dread and in a state of panic. All day and every day I would hurry, hurry, don't miss anything, don't forget anything, don't screw up. I was at the mercy of my type A perfectionism. I felt trapped and depressed most of the time.

These days when I start to spin off like that, I am able to take a breath and say to myself, "Oh that's interesting." I don't get so sucked in. I don't feel so bad about it. The perfectionism is a part of me but it isn't who I am and I don't need to take it personally. Isn't it interesting that we don't have to take our personalities personally???

Who am I then? If I am not that perfectionism (I look at perfectionism and say "That's not me!"), then what am I? I am that quiet, wide open space in my mind. Buddhists call it "emptiness" but the word "empty" seems to have negative connotations, like something is missing or lacking. Wide open space is a better way to describe this Buddhist concept, I think. There is nothing wanted, nothing missing. Just a relaxed, peaceful, open mind.