Anger

Ah, pain, emotional pain. Arising due to causes and conditions. The conditions I'm in now seem to cause a lot of pain sometimes. The pain isn't there every moment, but it seems to be there in a lot of them. All I can do is say, of course it is this way. There's no getting out of it, but it is not helpful to agonize about it either. I can stay with it knowing that it will pass.

Yesterday I was absolutely furious. Husband was in manic mode, acting strangely and saying hurtful things. I saw the stories start to come up: "What am I doing putting up with this? Maybe I should really take care of myself and end this relationship. Am I really doing something good for myself by sticking with this or am I just killing any chance for any true happiness for myself?" I noticed the physical sensations of the anger and the reactions that wanted to manifest - the tightness, the burning, the pounding heart, the stinging eyes, the thoughts of wanting to lash out and do harm.

I decided the best course of action was to resist the urge to lash out and quietly do the dishes and the laundry and give the kids a bath instead. I stayed with the pain and resisted the urge to start screaming. I was careful not to unleash any of the anger on the kids. Since I fully understood the nature of the anger and was taking care of it, it was not as difficult as it could have been not to take it out on them.

I knew there were some issues I needed to address, but I was in no frame of mind to address them yesterday. This morning I calmly spoke with Husband over the phone when I arrived to work to make sure he understood clearly the pain I was in and why. He saw clearly my struggle, apologized and the issue has ended. While it is possible that I could have made my case last night and helped him come to understanding then, I think that the probabilty was high that I would have overreacted, that he would have overreacted in response and it would have escalated. So it seemed appropriate this time to let it ride out until the next day. Many times that is the most appropriate thing to do, but it always depends on what is happening in the moment and how urgent it actually is to come to resolution.

If I feel that there is immediate possibility of harm or destruction, I will act immediately. For example when Husband decides to do a doughnut in the store parking lot with the whole family in the car. Ridiculous bad behavior like that requires an immediate and harsh reaction. Even then though, the true discussion about the issue most likely needs to come later when I have cooled off.

I used to worry a lot that if I did not express the anger at the time it was happening, there could be no resolution and the anger would get stuffed and repressed until it blew up eventually out of control sometime in the future.

But I know now there is a great difference between restraint and repression. Restraint patiently waits until just the right opportunity presents itself to express the anger in the most constructive way. Repression ignores and hates the anger and comes with thoughts of "I am bad to be angry. This should not be here."

I found that yesterday when staying with the anger but not acting it out, there was a spark of compassion in me for myself. It hurts to be with the anger, but it hurts even more to suffer the consequences of expressed, unbridled anger.

"Let them not do the slightest thing
That the wise would later reprove.
Wishing in gladness and in safety,
May all beings be at ease."

Metta Sutta