Heart With Wisdom

I've been pretty lazy about getting on here and writing lately. So here I am.

I've passed the one-year mark of the separation. I'm at a point of evaluation. I have been re-reading previous posts here and in my hand-written journal. It just seems like now is a good time to reflect on all that has happened over the past year and where it has brought me. Even with the crazy house purchase, my life is really working now. I really feel happy and together. Nothing worse than the everyday usual kind of stress with work and kids.

As far as separation and divorce is concerned, I think I have arrived to the other side. I think I did several months ago, but hadn't really stopped to think about it really. When things are going well in my life, I just go with the flow. It's hard to pin down just exactly when I was through it. Undoubtedly though, any ambivalence I had ended in the February time frame and it was all downhill from there.

So I've been just reviewing my life to make sure that if new love comes to me, I won't have any leftover baggage to deal with. Am I ready for new love? Well, I know that I have given A LOT of thought to what I would really want in a relationship and how important compatibility is to make it work. I don't think I have to worry about attaching myself to the first man who shows interest. I have learned that lesson. I have to move slowly and thoughtfully. And not be afraid to call it off early if red flags pop up.

Sure, I'd like to become a nun and devote my life to spiritual practice, but I have to raise my kids first. That will take another 15 years. My life as it is is cake. It is great. But a healthy love relationship with someone who is truly compatible with me would definitely be the icing. As long as I must be actively involved in worldly things to raise my children, it would be nice to have an intimate companion. This is nature. If I find the right guy, I will not fight it at this point.

I don't know if it is helpful or hindering to still believe that "true love" is possible. If I consider my definition of true love, perhaps it is. It is not soley an affair of the heart. It is heart with wisdom. Wisdom to move slowly. Wisdom to recognize early if something is working or not. Wisdom to rein in the heart when needed. Wisdom as space around the feeling of the heart, not getting swept up completely. Clear seeing of the nature of feelings of the heart. Non-identification with feelings of the heart. Wisdom to know and respect my limitations.

I am standing tall and strong these days. I am open. I feel full of love. I can dance and sing again. Mommy isn't the boring one anymore!