Crystal

Well.

Husband finally crossed the line (granted, I had no idea where the line was until it was crossed). Last Friday, he met a fellow car enthusiast at lunch who bought him a drink and asked to go for a joy ride in his BMW M3. He crashed that car into a guard rail at a high speed. Miraculously, he only has a broken neck and was discharged from the hospital after 5 days. The passenger was similarly fortunate.

When I arrived at the hospital, he admitted that this was about the 8th slip-up since he completed chemical dependency treatment.

After the initial shock of the situation, I had a shining, crystal moment of knowing without a single doubt in my mind absolutely what must be done. At least, what must be done as a start. I still have no idea what will unfold or how from that decision.

Separation from my husband is clearly, without a doubt, absolutely needed right now and I have followed through. I really have no idea what is going to happen next. All I know is the relief I feel without him around right now.

This is all so painful. It hurts to be with him and it hurts to send him away. There is loneliness and craving for physical comfort from the one who has hurt me so deeply. There is anger, betrayal and resentment. All the attachments there for my viewing pleasure.

Association with the disliked is dukkha
Separation from the liked is dukkha

But there is also love and hope. As I was walking out of the hospital the day he was discharged, I was hit by an amazing insight and sudden peace. I had already talked to him about my decision to separate a few days prior. I then had talked to both our families about it and worked out the arrangements with sensitivity, sincerity, honesty, flexibility and gentleness. The decision to separate was driven by that initial anger, but it would be counterproductive to go about the whole thing in an angry way that causes fear and distrust. As I walked out of the hospital on discharge day, I realized that I had, at least up to that point, maintained the trust of everyone involved, including my husband. That moment of insight was such a relief. I was able to feel completely encompassed in joy for just a few moments, then back to the standard panicky feelings that have become commonplace lately.

My only job is to be firm in this separation, to be firm in saying "no." Firm in that decision, but gentle and flexible with how it plays out. I do have hope that the mental illness and chemical dependency can be overcome and we can be together as a family again. But we have been at square one more than a few times in the past so I cannot rule out the possibility that this could be the beginning of the end. At this point, it is going to take a lot for me to welcome him back.

But the truth is, I just have no idea what will happen or what criteria I would even use to make the determination that I am ready to start again. I guess I just have to wait for another lightening bolt of clarity to come again. Until then, I will hold fast to this decision. It is clearly for the best, for both of us. And for the kids. They sure don't need to be around all the tension. It is much more peaceful at this time for them to be with one of us or the other and not both of us together.