Can't Fight Nature

I've been feeling pretty lonely lately.

I notice what my mind does to try to resolve that loneliness. I see the urge to try to find any shred of hope in that old relationship that is not good for me anymore. I see the urge to try to find a new relationship to replace that broken one. I notice how my mind is screening every man I encounter to see if there is any possibility of compatibility. It's just automatic, not something I really intend to happen.

But this analyzing and screening does not help. I start to notice thoughts like, "Even if I found someone compatible, why would he want to have a relationship with me - twice divorced, over 30, with kids?" And thoughts like that are really not helpful. I know that I have a lot to offer in a relationship and I certainly could find a new relationship if I really made the effort.

It is not time to make that effort though. I'm feeling too lonely and too needy. These feelings need to be resolved before I could even think about making the effort to find a new relationship. I've never resolved these feelings before. I've always just gone from relationship to relationship. Relationships just cover up that uneasiness, they don't really resolve it.

I see this mistaken belief that I am not a whole person uncoupled. I have a feeling of floating in space. I have a feeling of disconnection. I have a mistaken belief that only a love relationship can make me feel connected. Just when I think I'm starting to feel better about being alone, these feelings hit me out of the blue. Feeling like I will I die if I don't get a mate soon.

How do people who've been without a partner for a long time get to the point where they don't feel that anymore? Or is it just that the pull is still there, but not as strong because they feel happy regardless?

It seems clear that I can't just run over that feeling and try to make it go away or pretend it doesn't exist. And I also know better than to get on eHarmony and start looking for a mate.

I guess all I can do is keep noticing the loneliness and the screening of potential mates. It is just nature. It really can't be helped. But I can help whether or not I take it seriously. It only starts to bring me down when I start to take it personally.

I do have faith that this loneliness can be resolved without entering a romantic relationship. I am determined to see this loneliness through.