Pushing the Limits

I understand now why I don't trust my former partner.

In every way, with everyone - friends, family, authority figures, establishments - he has tested limits to see just how far he could take it until he crossed the line. He has never really intended to cross the line. He has always expected that the line would just get drawn higher as a result of his testing until he could get away with anything. So many times he has. That has re-enforced this testing behavior of his.

Througout our relationship he has been in jail twice for not paying a fine and for being "unwittingly" involved in a bar scuffle, had judgements against him, had written off debts, been evicted, been laid off, been a breath away from being fired for attendance, shoplifted, stole things out of someone's yard, hid bottles of booze all over the house, garage, and in his trunk, made inappropriate comments to women about their breasts, made inappropriate comments about race in a mixed crowd, lied to his best friend, lied to me, lied to himself, driven recklessly more times than I can count, many times while drunk, gone to court several times to talk his way out of tickets, abused the intermittent leave from work for his Mom's cancer by taking days off but not actually for his Mom, let our 4 year old daughter play with a poker stick in a bonfire, impulse shopping - even when being out of work - causing us to eventually have to file for bankruptcy. In chemical dependency treatment, he was the "star" pupil, voted most likely to succeed. Five months later he was hiding the booze again.

And these are only the things that have taken place in the last 8 years! He still tells stories of stealing cars, police chases, juvenile detention time, alcohol treatment, and therapy for bi-polar disorder when he was a teenager. He left home at 17.

I have way too much evidence to ignore the high probability that he will continue to push the limits. I think I used to enjoy the challenge of having my limits pushed. No longer.

The damage done to our marriage is irreparable. Any feelings of hope for a future with him are coming strictly from attachment hunger and relationship addiction. As long as I continue to recognize those feelings as such and trust myself, I will stay out of this unhealthy relationship.

I will continue to explore and reflect upon the reasons why I got into such a predicament - denial, co-dependency, attachment hunger, low self-esteem, wanting to take care of others, enjoying excited misery and drama and challenge. I never really thought of myself as a person with low self-esteem. But deep down, that is the root of my perfectionistic behaviors. This understanding is bound to free me from what is holding me back from true love for myself.

And this need for and enjoyment of excitement and drama - the results of having such a life are incredibly clear to me now. I cannot go back now. I want true happiness that is free from joy and pain. I want the kind of lasting happiness that is free from hunger, not the kind of temporary happiness that comes from trying to satisfy hunger. I want Viveka. (See HAPPINESS & HUNGER (II) Ven. Buddhadasa Bhikkhu.)

The Buddha is my Excellent Refuge.
Unsurpassed is the protection of the Dhamma.
The Solitary Buddha is my Noble Lord.
The Sangha my Supreme Support.
Through the Supreme Power of All These, may darkness and delusion be dispelled.