Who Am I? What Is This?

"Letting others determine your worth is always a dicey proposition.  Letting someone determine your worth who has a disorder that, by definition, causes distorted perceptions of self and others, makes no more sense than some of your family member's strangest accusations."

-Randi Kreger

http://www.bpdcentral.com/pbdbook/excerpts.htm

I am half-way through my second book on perfectionism and I have come to the conclusion that I have some perfectionistic tendencies, but overall, my expectations of myself and others are not entirely unrealistic.  Over the last 5-10 years I have been mindful of these tendencies toward perfection and when noticed, drop them.  I do not believe that these tendencies overly interfere with my life or cause dysfunction.

For instance, I do not think it is unrealistic to expect honesty and even-temperedness in someone as a general rule (we all have our up and down moments - I am referring to a constant flow of extremes).  I do not think it is unrealistic to expect someone to behave responsibly - like not drinking and driving.

Living with someone who is alcoholic and has borderline personality disorder brings out the worst in anyone.  For me, it has brought out some of those perfectionistic tendencies.  Pointing out problems like dishonesty, mental illness and/or alcoholism is an important step out of denial and enabling.  Anger and resentment have led me to actively address these important issues.  However, that anger and resentment that is stirred up by the drinking and distortions of another person tend to carry over into moments where there is no drinking or distortion, and I find myself being hyper-critical of unimportant faults in that person and in the people around me.  It is a trigger that just keeps on getting triggered as long as there continues to be an underlying resentment.

I definitely have enough anger to go around these days.  It is an unnamed, unidentified flow of energy that threatens to erupt at just the slightest excuse.  A few times it has - (sorry Leave Center phone rep guy.  Hope you didn't take it personally).  Lately it tends to come out in irritation with my kids.  I've done my best to let them know that they didn't cause it and it is not their fault (that darn popcorn that the stupid vacuum wouldn't pick up!!!)  I've done my best to remove myself whenever, however possible - locking myself into the bathroom to scream silently for a few minutes.  Understanding that this anger is a normal response to being in a co-dependent relationship with someone with BPD, the craziness in me is OK and doesn't need to be directed anywhere.  Eventually it will burn itself out.

Going back to the topic of standards...  maybe my standards ARE too high for someone who is alcoholic and has BPD.  In which case, I would appear to them to be overly perfectionistic.  Especially if that person had an adult in their childhood that had ridiculous standards for them.  

But while my standards may be to high for someone that is mentally ill, they are still my standards in terms of a marriage.  I can still care about, love and be friends with someone who doesn't meet my reasonable and normal standards of honesty, emotional stability and responsibility.  It just can't be a marriage.

I still hope that my dear friend will recover and maybe we can have a marriage.  But I do not expect this to turn out any particular way.  I do not have expectations for his recovery.  Only for my own - that I recover from co-dependency and remember who I am, what I like, what I'm good at, what I'm not good at, and love myself for all of it.