Whose Rules?

The following excerpts were taken from http://sfhelp.org/Rx/ex/guilt.htm

Guilt is the reflexive emotional response to breaking some internal or social rule - a should, ought, must, have to, or can't. Our word comes from the old English root gylt, which meant crime or offense. For ancestral, religious, and psychological reasons, typical divorced parents are burdened by moderate to major guilts.

The initial behavioral rules we seek to follow come from (a) our early caregivers, (b) our own pain/pleasure experiences, and later from (c) our hero/ines, playmates, and teachers - including any religious authorities in our lives. "Growing up" and "maturing" is partly the long process of (a) differentiating other peoples rules from those that we feel are appropriate for us as a unique human being, and (b) learning to live serenely from our rules - despite others' disapproval.

Old rule: men and women who marry should obey their vows "for better or for worse."
New rule: men and women should nurture themselves. They (I) should claim my right to live satisfying lives and to change, if prior commitment vows are steadily causing pain, frustration, despair, and injury and hope for improvement dies.

Old rule: divorce is a sign of weakness, and I must be strong.
New rule: divorce is a sign of psychological wounds and ignorance that I didn't cause, and I should act to end toxic, unsatisfying relationships. Doing so is a sign of health, strength, and self-respect.

Old rule: people who divorce are bad and/or wrong - and I should be good and right.
New rule: people who choose to divorce are neither good nor bad - they're giving themselves and any kids a chance for a better life, long term. They're courageously admitting that (a) their prior decision (to marry) was unwise, and that (b) everything they've tried to get their primary-relationship met has not worked well enough.

Old rule: I must never be "selfish" and put my needs ahead of other people's needs - specially my kids needs.
New rule: I should respect my needs just as much as other people's needs, except in some emergencies. Even then, I should respect my limits as to what I can give, and learn to say "no," "not now," and "I can't" without undue guilt.

Old rule: good parents have to protect their children against their family breaking up.
New rule: good parents should evaluate the best long-term nurturance options for each minor child. If divorce seems to be the best option, then it's a healthy parenting decision. Staying in a low-nurturance family to avoid divorce is not in minor kids' best interests!

Old rule: people who divorce are flawed and inferior - and I must not be flawed or inferior.
New rule: people who thoughtfully (vs. impulsively) decide there is no better option than divorce to gain hope for a better life are courageous, honest, and acting on their integrity. People should never judge each other as "flawed," but rather that others may be wounded and ignorant.

Old rule: well-adjusted, healthy people should never divorce - and I need to feel I'm healthy and well-adjusted.
New rule: people should take guilt-free responsibility for filling their own needs and achieving their own long-term happiness - while trying to be genuinely considerate and compassionate for the needs of other people. Doing this is a sign of wholistic health.