You Gotta Know When to Fold 'Em
I am having some serious problems with guilt and I REALLY need to get over it ASAP. Someone tell me again that I am totally justified in wanting a divorce and not just weak and bailing at the first possible opportunity. Tell me that I tried hard enough and put up with enough and that I’m making the absolutely best decision. The biggest problem is the thought that keeps popping up of “Maybe I should have given it another few years??” Which, when I really think about it is a ridiculous thought. Every year I gave it another year. How many chances can I feel good about giving? I just hear so many stories of couples that went through these sorts of things for decades. Am I weak for not being willing to go through the fire to save my marriage? Is two or three years really enough to say that I tried hard enough? Does two good years and 5 questionable years of marriage justify this? Or could I hold out longer and the five questionable years end up in the minority? What if I held out longer and it became five questionable years out of 20? But what if I would just end up disappointed at having wasted another 5 or 10 years? It is a gamble. I am not a gambler.
Those voices of obligation instilled in me by parents, Catholicism, my husband and society get pretty loud sometimes and I have a hard time listening to myself. My Mom stayed with my Dad even though she was openly critical and resentful of him for drinking and not helping with the house and us kids all while I was growing up. I think that sense of obligation I have really stems from that model. According to my Mom’s example, you stay with someone even if they are not contributing. I don't agree with that. I have made a conscious decision to do things differently and break from that family tradition. But in doing so, I am having to work hard to quiet those conditioned voices. Those voices are not mine. However, it is difficult to quiet them when I am in such a vulnerable state.
posted by None Of Your Business at
1:16 PM
1 Comments:
Oh, Becca. I feel for you. I know some of those voices you speak of, but for different reasons. I told you before and I will say it again to bring a more calming voice into your mind. There are not many people that can say that they've loved beyond themselves like you have in your life and relationships. Do not discount the time you took working hard on your marriage even if it is less in years than what mom put in. It wasn't the best situation for us looking back. It was almost like dad's problem was like the milk that went bad that no one wanted to throw away. Eventually, we avoided it and the smell went away after it decomposed completely. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want to wait for the problem to decompose completely. Other things can start rotting in our lives, like anger, resentment, guilt, denial, co-dependence. The list goes on and on. That's not healthy either. I think we all had to work through a process of dealing with growing up the way we did. Your children will not have to struggle the way we did, but they still may have their own struggles but in a safe more calm and supportive environment. They are away from the fray now and have a mother who has more energy, resources, time and love to give to THEM. I think you would agree that they are the most important reasons why you did what you did. But to end this comment, not sure who said this but it will hopefully speak to you. It's simple and to-the-point: "Not every thought in your mind is true."
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