The Global Retreat

Sometimes I regret that I made a poor choice in a husband. But really, the choice was the right one at the time for what I thought I wanted and what I thought I saw in him. I wanted someone who would grow with me.

Was I just mistaken? Or was I deluded? Or was I led to believe what was not real? It's not entirely my fault but not entirely his either.

I feel very sad that he continues to do stupid things, though it has relieved me of my ambivalence once and for all. I don't feel quite so much in limbo anymore.

I still find myself looking at men with mate potential in mind, but I don't really take it seriously. It seems that it is natural to look. It doesn't mean I have to act on it. I am happy not to act on it. I am relieved to let it drop.

I have been satisfied with being on my own. I have been enjoying the sweet taste of freedom. And solitude, when I have it. Lonely moments happen less often and panicky moments very rare. I have been pretty busy and satisfied with the amount of contact I have with others.

Lately I have found myself being more open with starting conversations with people I interact with throughout the day: co-workers, people in line, the cashier at the store, etc and finding it fills my need for human contact. I go home to my quiet apartment and feel whole. Even when I am shopping and not talking to anyone, I pay attention to people and feel how we are connected simply because we are all human.

THIS is what I have been looking for. I am surrounded by people all the time. Whether I feel lonely or not depends on whether or not I am paying attention to that connection or being self-absorbed.

When on silent meditation retreat, I always feel a sense of connection and lovingkindness to those on retreat. Why not feel that way as I participate in this human life with the rest of the human race??