Compassionate Neutrality

My husband is having some trouble sticking to the "one drink per day" contract our counselor asked him to do. I can't help be disappointed and sad and wonder just how we are going to get through this.

He has been extremely depressed and angry lately. Fortunately, I have been able to stay calm and level-headed through this for the most part. It is easy to get pulled down with him or take it personally. My retreat weekend couldn't have come at a better time. It has helped keep me balanced.

I'm really glad we have a session tomorrow with our counselor. We scheduled for a month out because things were going well, but the path is never straight and narrow. Maybe we'll have to go back to every two weeks for a while.

He wants anti-depressants. I think it's a good idea in the short-term, but I hope that he realizes what is causing his depression. A few weeks ago I read to him the chapter about “The Healthiness of Depression” in The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck. I think he understands at a certain level what his depression means, but he is in a lot of pain and needs some immediate relief. He doesn’t seem to think our therapist can really help him, but I believe that our therapist can ask the right questions to guide my husband in the right direction for him to help himself.

He has a lot of letting go to do in order to move forward and I believe that the depression is a direct result of the difficulty he is having in letting go. I think he is having an identity crisis. Drinking, among other things, has been a big part of his identity. He is having a hard time reconciling the cool, funny drinker that he has perceived himself to be with the problem drinker that has become the reality. Somewhere deep down he feels like he can’t be the cool, funny person without the drinking part but the reality is that the drinking part is a problem. Maybe he feels like he has to give up that really cool personality in order to cut down on drinking and that is a conflict.

He is becoming less and less able to delude himself about the reality of drinking and that is very depressing to him. And it is also a very good sign. I just hope he can resolve some of these inner conflicts in a timely way. It is hard to watch him struggle.

And all I can really do is observe and reflect and find compassionate neutrality. I think he will come out of this with flying colors, but who knows how long it will take.