Just Sit Down

I've been making more of an effort over the last few days to sit down and meditate. I've been feeling anxious and depressed lately and even though it is difficult to sit with it, I know that is the best thing to do. When my bell timer rang at the end of meditation yesterday, I got up from my cushion and immediately let myself be distracted again. I guess it's good that I noticed that. I can see how hard my mind tries to get away from discomfort and it tries to do that by thinking a lot.

What can I say? Old habits die HARD. All my life my brain has thought that to relieve pain, you must get away from it. My brain has thought that to get away from it, it must generate lots of thoughts to distract from it.

When I have days where I am sick of caring for everyone and I just want to get away and be alone, I tend to have dreams at night of a friend of mine. Someone who seems to me to have a more glamorous life than me, I guess. Someone who has it together so much more than I do, it seems. No kids, independent, organized, simple, happy, really contributing something to the world. But I know that I am only projecting my wishful thinking onto that person (though not to say that person is not all those things!). The grass may seem greener on the other side, but really it's all the same everywhere.

I do envy people that live in a higher plane of emotion. People that are happy and contented as a general rule. I have always been the kind of person that hovers in the somewhat happy, but often depressed plane. I think I have grown out of the extreme emotions though. Depression or happiness are not dramatic for me anymore: like being in the depths of despair and suicidal vs. ecstatic bliss, feeling like some sort of goddess. Now depression comes with, "Oh. There is sadness." Happiness comes with, "Oh. I'm actually pretty happy right now." My emotions are accompanied more and more by a sense of inquiry. Plain awareness.

Something I have been thinking about lately is God. If there is a God (with a capital G), I really don't have a direct connection. God is too abstract of a concept for me and a personified God just seems silly and childish. I can only really count on myself to take care of myself.

I think maybe my daughter needs to know about God. It is nice to have a feeling that some higher power is taking care of you. But to me, it seems the same as believing in Santa Claus. I used to be interested in a supernatural God, but my feet are too firmly on the ground these days.