Just a Natural Plan

It really is difficult to watch my husband in such pain.

At counseling yesterday, he said that he has been thinking seriously about checking himself into treatment. He hasn't been able to stick with the "one drink per day" contract. In fact, he pulled a bottle of vodka out of his trunk for me to see. He really feels like he has failed and that even if he goes to treatment, he will fail at that too. He kept pointing out to me over and over how lazy he is. He really is falling into self-defeat mode.

He has an appointment with the family doctor to get some anti-depressant meds. And he got a referral from our counselor to see an actual psychiatrist. Our counselor is a licensed social worker, but he voiced his concern about the extreme happy/energy mode some anti-depressants can cause and I seconded that. I really feel that my husband is at risk for extreme reactions to an anti-depressant. I was really glad that he recommended a psychiatrist. I've thought for a few years now that my husband has some deep issues that he is not conscious of. This thing goes much deeper than a loss of control over drinking. I said this to him once a few years ago, but he didn't really agree. He has been in that much denial about the demons that lurk behind the drinking problem.

But he is waking up. I really believe this. I told him that as much as it hurts now, the pain is needed in order for him to get to the other side of this. A death of old ways/old self must occur before lasting changes can be made, and he will emerge like a butterfly out of a cocoon, or Jesus rising from the dead, a completely new person, re-born. The cycle of samsara broken. He is worried that he can't do it, but I think he will. It is not so much about laziness but of letting go and having faith. I tried to explain that to him. "The Universe will re-arrange itself, no help from human hands, just a natural plan. It's a beautiful thing." -Kindred the Family Soul

When he gets through this with flying colors, as I truly believe he will, he will gain a whole lot of respect for himself, not to mention the respect that I will have for him. He has to let go, have faith, and do the hard work of sifting through the pain in order to earn that respect.