Gritting My Teeth

I feel like I don't belong anywhere. It is a really horrible feeling. I don't belong in the place where I used belong and there is nothing there to fill the gap.

And I am not running around to try to fill the gap. That is the key difference in how I am handling my loneliness now compared to in the past. It is so painful, but the alternative is even more painful as far as I am concerned. Running around to fill the gap brings only temporary relief or comfort and often it just brings more loneliness than I had before. I don't want temporary relief or comfort. I want an end to this suffering.

But I am sort of getting to a point where I am gritting my teeth, which really isn't helpful either. I know well enough to avoid the types of distractions that will inevitably just bring me more misery - buying stuff or surfing the internet or going to the bar or trying to find another lover, even listening to music just feels empty lately. I think I need to find a good book to distract myself with and give myself a break. A book about the process I am in now would be a healthy comfort, I think.

I am really thankful that I am able to live the life free from distraction that I know I need to live, but I miss some old habits of distraction. I miss sitting down on the couch to wait and see what movie Husband would put on the TV. Maybe I just need to have a movie night! It is time for me to learn the difference between constant distraction and occasional distraction. I have been in absolutely-no-distraction-land and it has been a bit jolting compared to the life I used to live. Other than taking care of the kids and working and getting on the internet, I have had no distractions.

Time to give myself a break here and there.