Pointing Me in a Crooked Line

On days when I'm feeling restless, I do a lot of Googling. There are so many answers to so many questions on Google. I have this odd belief that if I typed in just the right question, I will somehow find just the right page that will tell me who I am and what I should do with myself and how to find full enlightenment and happiness! But really, the more questions that are asked, and the more answers there are, the less clarity there is. Which one is the RIGHT answer??

I am definitely the deluded type. I analyze and analyze to the point of confusion. I search and search for the answer of how just to be happy, because I am just never satisfied with the true answer. The true answer is just way to simple and just not exciting - how can it be right?

I haven't been making a very good effort lately of testing the Buddha's teachings. I've been falling back on the old habit of searching for the solution "out there." But it is clear that I just get overanalytical, frustrated and confused when I look outside. Why this resistance to just sitting with myself, breathing, and looking inside?

Sunday evening the kids went to bed without much fuss. I sat on my couch in the dark, the embers in the fireplace still glowing but ready to go out. I listened to the wind blowing the trees outside. I drank some tea. I paid attention to my breath. I had a feeling of "oh yes, this!" I had forgotten how pleasurable it actually is when I put down thinking and analyzing.

Perhaps I just get suspect of that kind of pleasure. What kind of hell is about to break loose because I've let my guard down? What am I missing? What should I really be doing right now instead of sitting here watching my breath? How am I going to pay for this moment of pleasure and relaxation? Shouldn't I be paying some bills or checking my work email or something??

Ah hah - how am I going to pay for this moment of pleasure and relaxation? That is it right there. Why do I automatically think that pleasure must always be paid for with pain? While it is true that there will always be both pleasure and pain in life, it is not always a cause and effect relationship. Doesn't pain result in pleasure sometimes? Clearly, pain is often a good thing - no pain, no gain, right?

"I went to the doctor, I went to the mountain, I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain

We go to the doctor, we go to the mountains, we look to the children, we drink from the fountains

We go to the bible, we go through the workout, we read up on revival, we standup for the lookout

There's more than one answer to these questions pointing me in a crooked line

The less I seek my source for some definitive

The closer I am to fine"

-Indigo Girls