Balance

How is it that I can feel so weak and so strong both at the same time?

I suspect that it is because of compassion for myself and my weakness. When I start feeling dragged down by life, just kind of tired and aversive and stressed out – I tend to it. I care about this pain. And to whatever degree that I am able to understand the pain (that is usually the result of taking myself and my life way too seriously, way too personally), I am that much more free, that much more strengthened.

It can be a challenge to find enough time and space to care for that pain though. I’m so busy trying to be productive at work or taking care of my kids. I don’t have the luxury of sitting down all the time to meditate or contemplate to find that understanding. And when I do have the time to sit, it can really be difficult sometimes. All of the pain was just waiting for that moment when I would sit down and take a look!

I have been free of anti-depressant medication now for over 3 weeks. It feels really great to be off, though it has been an adjustment. I’m feeling my emotions fully again and I’m caring for them. This is not a problem. My life is much more stable now and I am in a much stronger position than I was almost a year and a half ago. I've gone back to my normal level of anxiety in life and I'm ok with that. Time to get back to that work that I started before the mess of my divorce.

One thing that is interesting to me – when people come to me with their problems, I feel really great after listening and providing support and feedback. How is it that I can feel weak and in pain and still have it in me to help other people? And that helping others actually helps kick me out of a slump of self-pity? I think it is all about balance. Taking care of myself and taking care of others in balance.